mmmmmmmmmm..........................

• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

• Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

• How come they call it 'after dark' when it's dark....shouldn't it be after light?

• Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

• What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

• How come dogs get annoyed if you blow in their faces, and yet whenever you take them in the car they stick their heads out the window?

• Why do people press harder on the remote when the battery is dead/dying?

• If a turtle looses his shell is he naked or homeless?

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

• If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

• If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

• Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

• Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

• How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?

• Why is it called a TV set when there only one?

• Why is it that it's called Alcoholics Anonymous, but the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

• Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

• Why is it that lemon washing up liquid is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

• If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

• How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

• If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• I used to be decisive, but now I'm not so sure.

• There will be rain Friday night, weather permitting.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• If the French really were intelligent they'd speak English.

• If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the bottle?

• Why are buildings called buildings? Shouldn't they be builts?

• If God dropped acid would he see people?

• One death is a tragedy, millions of deaths is a statistic.

• In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Don't use a big word where a small one is ample.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• What's the point in cleaning your room?...it's only going to get messy again.

• A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.

• The Moral Majority is neither moral nor majority.

• Don't drink and drive, smoke and fly!

• Why do people ring your doorbell and then knock AS WELL?

• Why is abbreviate such a long word?

• Death is not the enemy, life itself is.

• When you burn yourself on a plate/oven tray/hot food etc, why do people say 'well it's just come out of a hot place...' well DUH!

• Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

• Why are people willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

• Why do people say "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.